


When the Cradle Falls

by SophiaHawkins



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: AU, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, post-episode: The Grand Gesture, sevasey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29107824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaHawkins/pseuds/SophiaHawkins
Summary: Casey beat on Severide's apartment door with both fists. Kelly opened the door, looking confused. "Help me! I want to kill myself!" Casey told him hopelessly. Kelly never heard Casey talk like this before and it scared him. "What happened, Casey? What's wrong?" Casey sucked in a hard breath as he tearfully explained, "My life is over!"
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

When the Cradle Falls

Matt Casey sat behind the wheel of his pickup truck in the parking lot of the doctor's office he had just left. It was a sunny day, just slightly breezy, compared to most of the weather Chicago had it was a beautiful day, but the world had suddenly ceased to hold any beauty in it where Casey was concerned. It was suddenly an alien place he was no longer a part of.

It had started off so simple, so routine, go to the doctor, fill out a form, get some tests done. What could possibly go wrong? And yet, if he hadn't at least _suspected_ something was wrong, he knew he wouldn't have gone, he wouldn't have talked to the doctor, he wouldn't have asked for the tests. Suspecting was one thing, but actually knowing the truth, that was something else entirely and he felt like his whole world had fallen away.

The doctor's diagnosis still rang in his ears, but none of it seemed to be real. It was just too horrible to be real. This happened to other people, not him. It was like a bad dream, he wanted to wake up from it but he knew he wouldn't. This was a real life nightmare. For several minutes he just sat there replaying his conversation with the doctor in his head, and what it all meant. How could it be true? It just couldn't be, this couldn't be happening, not to him. As tempted as he was, in light of the earth shattering news he'd received, to put his truck in gear and just charge it head on into a wall, and put himself out of this newfound misery, he knew that wouldn't solve anything. He knew he had to get out of there, but go where? Do what? This was the last thing he wanted to tell anybody, and yet somewhere in his mind he knew he had to. He _had_ to tell somebody. But again, who? Who did he trust with something this painful? Boden seemed the first answer, but Casey couldn't go to him with this. None of the other guys from 51 seemed too likely either, who then? Casey felt his heart racing and his blood pounding in his ears, he thought he was going to lose his mind if he just stayed there, he had to go somewhere, had to see somebody, had to tell somebody what he'd found out. Finally, he decided Severide might be his best bet. He didn't have any idea what Kelly would say, but he hoped his best friend would be able to prove _some_ comfort to him, at least make him quit feeling like he was losing his mind. The next question was, could he drive from the doctor's office to Severide's apartment without crashing? He decided it didn't matter, if he did crash his truck, his suffering would be over, but he just couldn't stay there any longer. He started his truck, put it in gear and drove out of there and somehow made his way halfway across the city.

He didn't remember driving through the city, he didn't remember the traffic on the road, he didn't remember stopping at any lights. He didn't even remember pulling up outside Kelly's apartment building. He had no recollection of getting out of his truck and actually entering the building, it just seemed he was suddenly there. He forewent the elevator, there was no way he could hold still long enough to get up to Severide's floor. He ran up the stairs, feeling like he wasn't even in his body, almost like he was out of it watching himself. He heard himself panting as he took the stairs two and three at a time, he was _aware_ of the pain in his chest and ribs but he wasn't aware of actually feeling it. Finally he reached Kelly's floor, and marched over to the apartment door and beat on it with both fists. He had no concept of time for how long he stood there pounding on the door, but it felt like it took forever before he heard the chain rattling on the other side and the bolt being undone. Kelly held the door open, looking totally confused, and had just opened his mouth to say something, when Casey felt his legs go weak and he just about fell against Severide.

"Help me!" was the first thing that found its way out of his mouth. He hardly even knew which way was up anymore. He did fall against Kelly, who automatically caught him in his arms and held him tight so they didn't both hit the floor.

There wasn't any good way to break the news to Kelly about what was going on. Casey felt his chest and throat tightening as the tears started to come, and he didn't have any strength or even interest to try and hold them back. He threw his arms around Severide and desperately clung to him and told him hopelessly, "Help me, I want to kill myself!" The sobs were already coming.

Kelly was totally lost about what was happening, but he'd never heard Casey talk like that before and it scared the hell out of him. A dozen different worst case scenarios were running through his mind as he held onto his friend and asked him, "What happened, Casey? What's wrong?"

Casey sucked in a hard breath as he tearfully explained, "I just got the worst news possible. My life is over!"

* * *

It was two hours later, Severide had managed to drag Casey past his door, and the two made it to the kitchen where Casey collapsed at the table, and the two of them killed a six-pack of beer as Kelly slowly got the full story from Casey. When it was all said and done, Severide didn't know what to make of it. He felt numb and in a state of shock by Casey's news, he was heartbroken for his friend but one of them had to be the strong one right now and Casey didn't have any energy left for that. Casey was slumped over his side of the table, a half drunk bottle of beer beside him, his face buried against the tabletop and his arms wrapped over his head as he continued to cry. He'd been like that for half an hour now, words beyond his current abilities.

Kelly was aware anything he said could easily be the wrong thing, so he chose his words carefully. He didn't _think_ it was possible to upset Casey anymore than he already was, but he didn't want to chance it.

"I don't suppose there's any point in going to another doctor and getting a second opinion, is there?" he asked.

Casey's whole body shook as he sobbed, and shook his head.

"But he could be wrong," Kelly offered a slim ray of hope. "It happens, it's happened before."

Casey just barely raised his head up and told Kelly, "They're definite about it..." he shook his head, "there's no hope for me." He dropped his head back down as a new series of sobs wracked his body.

Kelly reached across the table and sympathetically patted Casey's back, "I'm sorry, buddy. I never thought this could happen."

There was a knock at the door, Casey's cries were the only sound in the apartment, even over that Kelly was able to hear Gabby's voice muffled through the door.

"Oh my God," Casey gasped as he sat up in his chair, "I can't see her, I can't tell her this."

Kelly patted Casey's hand and told him, "You don't have to." He pushed his chair back and got up.

"No, Kelly, don't."

"I'll handle this," Severide told him, "you stay here, it'll be alright."

Casey shook his head. "No it won't." But he couldn't bring himself to get up, to go with Kelly to the door, to face what was coming, he just couldn't.

Severide crossed through the living room to the front door and opened it. Gabby Dawson stood there with a grin on her face that only looked warm and friendly, but anybody who knew her as long as they did knew it actually meant there was more brewing than she was going to tell him about and she was just putting up a nice front until she got out of there. Kelly knew that they'd had an argument about something the other day and Gabby had stormed out, and whatever it was she wasn't going to tell him of all people about, more likely she was going to keep what she was really thinking in reserve until she and Matt were alone. Or so she thought anyway.

"Hey, Severide," she said in her normal borderline perky tone, "I saw Matt's pickup downstairs, is he here?"

Kelly stood with his feet shoulder length apart like he was about to get into it. He looked at her with eyes that were hard but didn't reveal much emotion. "Yeah," he said in a tone that didn't reveal anything either.

She waited a couple seconds, then asked, "Can I come in?"

"No," Kelly answered in the same monotone voice, his eyes still boring into her, and she was still largely oblivious to it.

Gabby let out a small giggle like she didn't get the joke, so she tried again, "Okay, can you get him?"

"No," Kelly repeated in the same tone, his eyes harder now, and it was slowly starting to dawn on Gabby that something was wrong, the smile slowly dropped from her face and was replaced with an expression of confusion.

"What's going on, Kelly?" she asked.

"He knows, Gabby," Severide responded simply, as if that explained everything.

The muscles in Gabby's face continued to drift downward as her eyebrows furrowed together in even further confusion. "Knows what? What're you talking about, Severide?"

"He _knows_ , Gabby," Kelly repeated, venom in his tone now, "He knows the baby you lost wasn't his."

Gabby blinked. "Ex-cuse me?"

Kelly nodded his head stiffly, "He knows he wasn't the father. You put him through all that, have him worried to death about you...and it wasn't even his kid."

Gabby's eyes widened, a look between confusion and rage, "What're you talking about?"

"Gabby, he went to the doctor, he can't have kids!" Kelly told her.

Gabby's eyes widened to maximum capacity and the muscles in her jaw laxed and she stood there with a look of total shock as the color went out of her face.

"You..." Kelly stabbed an accusing finger at her, "You're always bitching to Casey about trust and communication and respect... _and you cheated on him_!"

Gabby closed her mouth and shook her head, "That's not true..."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kelly wanted to know. "You've been chasing after him ever since he and Hallie broke up, when they got back together you went after Mills as a placeholder, and ever since you two _did_ get together you've done nothing but treat him like crap, then you have the balls to act offended anytime he does something you don't like, and you _cheated_ on him and got pregnant! Who was it? Mills? Halstead? Cordova? No, don't tell me, I can't be disgusted with another person right now as much as I am with you! We've known each other for years, Gabby, we're supposed to be able to count on each other...he was supposed to be able to trust you!"

With that, Kelly slammed the door in Gabby's face and stormed off back to the kitchen.

Casey hadn't moved from where he sat slumped face-down against the table, his back rose and dropped rapidly as he still cried. Kelly felt awful, he padded over to the table and wrapped an arm around Casey and told him, "I'm sorry. I just couldn't take it anymore."

Every breath entering and exiting Casey's body at that moment took the form of a high pitched sob, just about to start hyperventilating.

"Maybe I should've handled that better," Kelly said as he sat back down across from Casey, "but I'm just sick from this. I am so sorry, Casey, I swear I had no idea, if I had...I would've told you to get away from her, _fast_."

Casey tried to force some air back into his body and hold onto it, he struggled to form actual words as he folded his arms on the table and sat up enough to look over at Kelly, "It was all a lie, wasn't it?"

"Probably so," Kelly shook his head, "I'm sorry."

"She never...she couldn't...how could she..."

"You gotta calm down, buddy," Kelly reached across the table and cupped Casey's jaw in his hand, "making yourself sick isn't gonna help you."

As if in response to that comment, a particularly loud sob worked its way loose as Casey lost hold of the air he'd sucked in.

"Casey, I am so sorry, about all of this...I know how much you've always wanted kids."

Casey cupped his hands against his face which muffled the sounds of his crying but it was still enough to rip Kelly's heart out listening and watching his best friend going through this.

* * *

A couple hours later the sun was going down and the city outside was getting dark. Casey still hadn't moved from the kitchen table, he just sat there and stared at the tabletop, not even able to raise his head enough to look at Kelly. Severide had scarcely left Casey's side except to get up and start dinner. He knew Casey wouldn't have much of an appetite but he also knew not eating wasn't going to help his friend any. He heated up a can of soup and made a couple of sandwiches, then dished it up and set one plate in front of Casey and sat across from him with his own.

"Come on, Casey, you gotta eat."

Matt murmured something under his breath and just stared at the food.

"Just take a few bites, you're going to make yourself sick and that's just going to make things worse."

Casey pressed one balled up hand against his cheek and stared down at the bowl of soup and asked lowly, "How could things get any worse than this?" He finally found the strength to sit up straight, he looked around the room, couldn't quite bring himself to look at Kelly yet. "I can't have kids...and my wife cheated on me and got pregnant by someone else...I don't even know which one of those hurts more, or which one is supposed to."

Severide dipped a spoon in his soup and asked, "How did you figure it out anyway?" Casey had already explained all that earlier, or tried to, but a lot had been lost in the translation because he was crying too hard to be fully coherent.

Casey looked back down at his food. "Gabby and I decided to try and get pregnant again, start fresh with a child of our own, not like Louie that the birth family could take away again...around the time we went to the doctor and he told us that it would be too risky for her...I started thinking something seemed off. We hadn't been actively _trying_ to get pregnant before that...but we weren't using protection either. I guess we just thought sooner or later something would give and when it did, we'd just jump into it like everything else."

Kelly nodded, not wanting to interrupt, but wanting Casey to know he was following so far.

"Before we found out it was too risky, I started thinking...maybe it's me, maybe..." it was embarrassing to talk about, that alone had been painful enough to think about before he knew the truth. "I thought maybe my sperm was slow...too old...whatever you call it. I decided to look into it and see if there was something I could do to...get the ball rolling. I didn't tell Gabby, I didn't want to get her hopes up...and I didn't want her to be disappointed in me." He laughed bitterly, "that's a joke, isn't it?"

Kelly just looked at him, both sympathetically, and silently inquiring him to continue.

"Must be a lot of guys with similar problems because it took forever for the doctor's office to actually get a spot open for me to come in and get tested," Casey said. He sighed, "And when the doctor said there was _no_ chance I could ever have kids..." he looked off to the side and his eyes became distant. "I don't even remember leaving the office...I just remember sitting in my truck, wishing it was all a nightmare. I don't even know when it finally dawned on me...if I couldn't have kids...how the hell did Gabby get pregnant the first time?"

Finally, Casey lifted a spoonful of soup out of the bowl and swallowed it. Severide hoped they were starting to move forward now, but he could easily see this conversation taking Casey right back to the brink again.

"Hallie...all the time we lost because she broke up with me because she couldn't afford to get pregnant during her residency...if I'd gotten tested back then...it'd still be the worst news I ever got, but we could've been together a lot longer than we were...we would've had so much more time together."

"I'm sorry, Casey."

"Who...who ever thinks when they're 30...that they need to get tested to see if they can even have kids?" Casey asked. "People have them into their 50s, 60s, I can't ever have _any_ , it wouldn't matter if it was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, it's never going to happen..."

Casey dropped his spoon and pressed his hand against his eyes as he started crying again.

Severide put his spoon down and got up, went over to the other side of the table and pulled Casey's chair back and helped him up. "Come on, Casey."

Casey weakly resisted and got out a few half audible protests, Severide didn't know what it was Casey thought they were doing but he doubted it was what he had in mind.

"I'm gonna put you in the bedroom, I'll take the couch tonight," he told Matt.

Kelly walked Casey into the bedroom, he hadn't bothered to make the bed that morning, half the time he never did. He eased Casey down onto the bed, then took his shoes off and drew the covers up on him.

"Just take it easy and try to get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning."

"No I won't," Casey replied, "tomorrow I'm still going to be as useless as I am now."

"You are not useless, Casey."

Matt looked up at him with bloodshot eyes and asked, "What good's a man that can't have kids?"

Severide offered a small, sad smile. He could see through the conundrum of Casey not wanting Gabby to get pregnant, to save her life, no matter how long they might be married, and until now that was still facing the possibility of their whole lives together, but still reserving his own biological right to have children, whether he actually did or not, it was the ability _to_ do it that had mattered so much, and now it was gone. Most guys, regardless of if they actually wanted kids or not, still placed high value on being _able_ to have them, the only guy they knew who had actually and willingly gotten snipped was Herrmann, and that was after he'd already had five kids. Maybe it was an archaic view but society in general still saw more purpose in women _and_ men who _could_ have kids, versus the ones that couldn't, not just the ones that didn't, and even if you knew better, it had been ingrained in you your whole life, it was a hard viewpoint to break away from. It was a sense of identity, you could pass on your genes and in a sense yourself into the next generation, into future generations, a hundred years, five hundred years from now, a part of you would still be alive, your family name carried on. Now it was never going to happen for Matt.

"It's going to be okay, Casey," Kelly told him. "You just get some rest." He leaned over and kissed Casey on the cheek. Casey took enough time out from his grief to grimace and respond, "You need to shave."

Kelly laughed softly, then he patted Casey's shoulders through the covers and told him, "Get some sleep, I promise it's not going to be as bad as all this."

Casey just sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

Severide had told Casey he'd sleep on the couch that night, but he was starting to rethink decision when through the thin walls of his apartment he could hear Casey start crying again, and in the two hours Kelly waited patiently in the living room, he never stopped. He was torn between the idea that Casey needed room to be alone and process everything and grieve for the life that was no longer an option for him and he realized never actually had been, and the idea that Casey needed a friend with him since he'd lost one of the biggest rocks in his life, his own wife, who despite everything they'd been through, he thought would always be there for him. How was that for a stab in the heart?

Finally Kelly couldn't take it anymore, he threw back the covers and went to the bedroom. The light from outside shone in so he was able to make his way over to the bed. Casey was turned away from him, Kelly reached over and nudged his back. Casey turned his head and looked back at him through one bloodshot eye.

"Want some company?" he offered.

Casey turned his head to the front again and sniffed as he moved over so Kelly could slip in beside him. Severide pulled the covers up and reached over and placed a hand on Casey's shoulder. "You've got to calm down, you're going to be sick. Casey, I am so sorry about everything, I know you always wanted kids, and I know you would've made a great dad."

Casey murmured something over a choked sob but Kelly couldn't make it out.

"What'd you say?" he asked.

Casey rolled over, revealing the entirety of his bright pink tear streaked face, and told him, "Nancy if it was a girl, after my mom...Andy if it was a boy, after Darden."

Kelly closed his eyes as he took that in. He should've known Casey probably wouldn't be this upset just over the idea of kids in general, he'd actually thought it out enough to have the names picked, and with that no doubt came endless thoughts about everything that would ensue with parenthood.

Severide reached over and pulled Casey into his arms and held him while he cried.

"I'm sorry, buddy, I'm so sorry."

* * *

Casey had finally fallen asleep around 2 in the morning. By 8, Severide entered the room with a mug of coffee, and looked at his friend who was still in a dead sleep, and watched the even rhythmic movements of his body as he slowly inhaled and exhaled. As much as he hated to do it, he went over and woke Casey up.

"Hm-hm-huh?" Casey grumbled as he slowly opened his eyes.

"Here," Severide held out the coffee for him.

Casey maneuvered under the covers and sat up on his knees and took the steaming mug from him and said in a tired, hoarse voice, "Thanks." He took a small sip, swallowed it, then took a longer gulp.

"Go take a shower, you'll feel better," Kelly told him.

Casey slowly nodded, "Thanks."

Matt stumbled out of bed, dragging half the blankets with him, Kelly yanked them back and separated them from his friend as he zombie walked to the bathroom.

* * *

Casey let the hot water pour down on him and felt it slowly revive him, he stayed in the shower far longer than he should've. Half the time he stood against the wall under the shower head and let it beat down on his back. The other half of the time he sank down onto the floor and sat under the bombardment of hot drops that made his eyes sting but otherwise felt like his body was being purged. The events of yesterday slowly came back to him but in the moment it all felt so distant, as if the whole day had just been a nightmare. He knew it wasn't, but somehow everything didn't feel so hopeless right now.

With much reluctance he finally shut off the hot water, stepped out of the shower, dried off and got dressed. When he exited the bathroom and stepped into the kitchen, Severide was waiting with two full plates.

"I don't care what you say," he told Casey, "you're eating today. I'm not going to stand by and watch you make yourself sick."

Casey took one of the plates loaded down with bacon, scrambled eggs and toast and mumbled an uncertain, "Thanks."

Kelly waited until they were both sitting at the table and actually saw Casey take a few bites before he said to him, "Can I ask you a question?"

Casey looked at him, dreading what it might be. "Sure."

"I know that you always wanted to have kids of your own, and I'm sorry that's not going to happen now...but is there any reason that you believe you wouldn't be able to love someone else's kids as much as you would your own?"

"Of course not!" Casey looked at him, "why would you say something like that?"

"Okay, so, adoption's still an option, or...if you met a woman who already had kids, that could work too, it wouldn't be what you had planned but you could still have kids, you could still have a family."

"I know," Casey said with a groan, "I just always thought Hallie and I...or Gabby and I...could just have our own and that'd be the end of it, that there wouldn't be any _need_ for alternative options."

This Severide knew to be true, having a family and raising kids was one of the few things Casey had consistently talked about ever since they were in the fire academy together. It always surprised Kelly for all Casey planned for it that it never came up. Now he knew why.

"Everybody else has kids," Casey's voice interrupted Severide's thoughts, "Herrmann has kids, Mouch has a daughter, Boden has a son...I have nothing."

"Everybody _doesn't_ have kids, Casey," Kelly told him, " _I_ don't, Cruz doesn't, Otis doesn't, Tony doesn't, Capp-"

"Capp's not mentally old enough to have kids," Casey responded.

"So it's not just you," Kelly continued, "hell, a _lot_ of us could all be in the same boat and just don't know it, none of us ever got tested. Casey the difference is you're the _only_ one who _always_ knew what he wanted."

Casey slowly nodded and sighed, "And I'm never going to have it."

"I'm sorry, buddy, I know this sucks...but, just because something _doesn't_ turned out as planned doesn't necessarily make it worse," Kelly told him.

Casey laughed humorlessly, "Worse? How's this for worse? On top of finding out there technically never was any baby even though we went through the full grieving process for it, then I have to find out it wasn't even mine. I have a wife who's always on my case about not supporting her ideas, and she's cheating on me with...I don't even want to know who. How...how do I go back and face her?"

"I'll go with you," Kelly said as they finished eating and got up from the table.

Casey shook his head, "You don't need to do that."

"Sure I do, I can act as the moderator, besides, somebody has to be there to pull you off of her," Kelly told him.

"I'm not gonna do _that_ ," Casey said.

"Then you can pull _me_ off of her," Kelly said, "I'm pissed off, I want answers."

"How do I even talk to her?" Casey asked helplessly. "It never occurred to me that this could ever happen. What do I even say?"

"'Get out of my house, bitch' would be a good place to start," Kelly suggested.

Casey sucked in a pained breath and squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, "I can't do this."

Kelly reached over and squeezed Casey's shoulder assuredly, "I'll be with you, it's going to be alright."

Casey looked at him, and latched onto Severide in a desperate hug. He felt Kelly's arms around his back, he felt _some_ sense of stability.

"Let me handle it," Casey told him. He didn't have any idea how he was going to do that, and he was grateful that Severide handled the confrontation yesterday because there was no way he could've done it, but he didn't want Kelly flying off the handle and making things even worse. Although just _how_ things could get worse now, he didn't know. His marriage was over, even if Gabby didn't know it, he did, he'd been able to put up with a lot from her over the years, but this was unforgivable. He could never trust her again, and love without trust wasn't enough for a relationship to survive. He knew that. It killed him to admit it, but he knew it.

* * *

Casey pulled his pickup up to the curb outside his apartment, and put the truck in park. The two men sat there and looked at the door.

"What do you think she'll say?" Kelly asked.

Casey shook his head. "Doesn't matter...I don't really feel like listening."

Severide turned towards him and asked, "You're really gonna let her have it this time, aren't you?"

Casey looked at him, half confused, "You sound like you're enjoying this."

"She's been getting away with crap for years, I figured sooner or later you'd push back, I just hoped I'd get to see it," Kelly said, "I know you're too nice a guy to tell anyone about it after the fact."

Casey found himself trying to suppress a smile as he shook his head and said in a somewhat amused tone, "You're sick, Kelly" a small laugh tore loose as he continued, "You need help, you know that?"

"Come on," Kelly reached for his door, "let's do this."

Casey knew no matter what happened, this was going to be an ugly mess, but he knew Severide was right, there wasn't any point delaying the inevitable. He and Gabby were going to have it out, they were both going to forego talking and just start screaming at each other, and a lot of stuff was going to come out, some stuff they didn't mean, a lot of it they did. But once that was all over, what then?

"Come on, Casey!" Kelly called over to him, "let's go!"

"Let me handle this," Casey told him as he went up to the door.

Casey unlocked the door and pushed it open. "Gabby, we need to talk." He looked around and didn't see her. "Gabby?"

Casey stepped into the apartment and Severide was right behind him, both of them looking around the place slowly, as if they might miss something.

"Come on out, Gabby!" Kelly called.

"Gabby?" Casey went over to the kitchen. No sign of her there either.

A knot was slowly starting to form in Casey's stomach as he considered the possibilities. He flashed back to Rebecca Jones' death, when Gabby got the call that her body had been found, and she'd left a note for her.

"Gabby?" Kelly knocked on the bathroom door and opened it. Nobody there. It looked like nothing in the room had been touched recently. The sink was dry, the tub was dry, the soap was dry, the shower curtain was bone dry.

"Gabby?" Kelly heard Casey's voice call out from the bedroom, then heard a horrified scream, Kelly turned and ran to see what was the matter.

"What is it, Casey?" he didn't stop quick enough and knocked right into Casey who just stood in the doorway.

The room hadn't been ransacked but it was obvious that somebody had been there. The nightstand on one side of the bed had been cleared off, the closet door was open and Gabby's clothes had been taken out of the left side, and the big suitcase she kept at the bottom of the closet was gone.

The two men just stood in the doorway and looked around the room and slowly took all of this in and slowly realized what it meant.

"An admission of guilt," was the first thing that Kelly thought of. "If she thought she could've argued her way out of this mess, she would've been here waiting. She knew she couldn't...so she ran."

Severide glanced around the room on the nightstands, the dressers, anywhere that seemed a likely place, and noted however, that her wedding ring was nowhere to be found. Apparently she took that with her too.

Casey felt his legs getting wobbly, and he groaned, "I need to sit down."

Kelly caught him just before he fell on the floor and walked him five steps over to the bed to sit on the edge of it.

"I really am an idiot," Casey quietly murmured as he looked at the floor, "I really thought she'd be here when I came back...why? Why would she?"

"Hey I didn't think she'd turn tail and run this fast," Kelly told him, "I didn't think she was _that_ smart."

Casey sat there for a minute feeling like he was in a state of shock. When he opened his eyes again he looked up at Kelly and said, "It really is over, isn't it?"

"I'm afraid so," Severide responded with a small shrug. "I'm sorry, Casey."

Casey looked down to the floor for a minute, then he raised his head uncertainly, and only got out, "Kelly..."

Severide seemed to know what it was Casey was going to ask, he beat him to the punch and told him, "I'll stay here tonight."

Casey looked around the room and said, "I can't stay here."

"You can come back to my place," Kelly told him.

"No, no," Casey shook his head, "If you'll just stay here with me tonight...tomorrow I'll find a new apartment...I can't stay here...too many memories."

"You could always stay with me while you looked," Kelly said.

Casey looked around the room and commented, "I'm all alone now. No wife... _never_ going to have kids...I'm going to die alone."

Kelly sat down beside him on the edge of the bed, "Don't talk like that. The right woman's out there somewhere..."

"I thought Hallie was the right woman...I thought Gabby was the right woman...I'm tired of looking, no good ever comes of it," Casey groaned.

"Casey, there're a million women in Chicago-"

"And how many have _you_ slept with?" Casey remarked.

Kelly ignored that since he knew Casey was in pain right now, and he continued with his original statement, "You'll find the right one someday, and you'll forget all about this."

Casey hung his head low and shook it, "No I won't."

"Okay maybe not forget entirely, but you'll get past this, and it won't hurt anymore, it'll just be a distant memory."

Casey's chest rose, and fell, and his breath quickened as he asked, "Who's going to want a guy who can't have any kids?"

Kelly slipped an arm around Casey's back and told his friend, "You've got to give them more credit than that. There're a lot of women that don't want kids."

"I don't _want_ to be with a woman that doesn't want kids!" Casey told him.

At any other time Severide might be tempted to jokingly comment on how picky Casey was, but he knew now wasn't the time.

"It'll be alright, Casey," he told him, "someday you'll meet someone else...who you _should_ be with."

* * *

8 months later-

Kelly woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing on the stand by the bed. Grumbling to himself, he reached over and picked it up, and saw Casey's name on the screen. He also saw that it was 1:45. What the hell?

"Hello? Casey, what's going on?"

There was some static and noise, then Casey's voice, which didn't sound quite right, it sounded like he was drunk, "I'm coming over, I need to tell you something."

"Are you okay?" Kelly sat up in the bed, trying to think what could be going on.

"I need to talk to you, I'll be there soon."

"How soon is 'soon'?" Kelly asked.

The line went dead. Then he heard somebody beating on his front door. He was seriously going to have to talk to the super about getting the buzzer fixed so any random psycho didn't just waltz in off the street.

Stumbling through the dark, Kelly reached for the light switch in the living room as he headed over to the door. He undid the locks and pulled the door open. Yep, Casey had been drinking, and if Kelly had to guess, heavily. In the back of his mind, Severide remembered that they'd just had New Year's Eve a couple days ago, it looked like Casey was still celebrating.

"You're up," Casey sounded surprised.

"You called," Severide responded, "are you okay?"

"I need to talk to you," Casey said as he sidestepped Kelly and showed himself in.

Severide turned around, feeling completely lost. "What is it?"

Casey turned to face him and out of nowhere he dropped the bombshell, "I asked her to marry me, she said yes!"

The next thing Kelly was aware of was Casey's arms wrapped around his neck and the full weight of his best friend just about to knock him down. He felt his eyes bug out and felt the wind knocked out of him, and he also heard the unmistakable rapture in Casey's voice, clearly he hadn't been drinking to drown his sorrows tonight. Severide felt his neck being jerked as Casey shook him, repeating over and over as if he couldn't believe it, "She said yes, she said yes!"

Severide put his hands on Casey's shoulders to push him off of him enough to look him in the eye and ask, "Who?"

Casey answered, "Linda Clawson."

It took Severide a minute to put it together. She was a woman Casey had met two months ago right after his divorce was finalized. They'd been seeing each other somewhat regularly, and maybe Kelly should've put it together quicker than he did, but he didn't think that they'd gotten _that_ serious yet, Casey had never said anything about proposing to her. Everybody at 51 had met her a few times, she was a blonde woman in her late 30s who wore blue jeans and didn't seem to own a single shirt with the sleeves still attached and who spoke her mind, but none of them had been around her enough to form any real opinion about her. What they did know was she seemed friendly enough, and she had seven kids, none of them her own, five of them were already teenagers. The last Kelly heard, they were still in the process of half the kids wanting nothing to do with Casey. So either they warmed up to Casey really quick, or they'd just gotten engaged and hadn't told the kids yet.

"Did you give her a ring?" he asked.

"Uh...no," that slightly dampened Casey's otherwise excellent mood, "I didn't have one."

Kelly wasn't sure why, but it seemed to him a proposal without a ring wasn't _as_ binding, and there was still a chance to back out if Casey changed his mind once he sobered up.

"Did you hear me?" Casey asked, and pointed to his lips with both index fingers, "We're-getting- _married_!" He lunged at Kelly again and hugged him and was practically bouncing with excitement.

Kelly smiled and patted Casey's back with both hands and told him, "I'm happy for you, Casey."

"Thank you," Casey told him, sounding surprisingly sober all of a sudden, "thank you for getting me through everything. You knew this day would come."

Kelly furrowed his brow, "I did?"

"Yeah," Casey pulled back, "you said I'd get past Gabby, and meet the right woman...you were right, thank you."

Kelly shook his head, "I didn't do anything."

"Yes you did," Casey told him. "You got me through the worst point in my life...I love you, Kelly," he leaned in and kissed Severide on the cheek.

"Don't let Linda hear that," he replied as he raised his shoulder to wipe his cheek. "But Casey, you've only known her for two months, don't you think that's rushing things a bit?"

Casey looked him in the eyes and said in all earnestness, "I waited with Hallie, I waited with Gabby...what did it get me? I love her, Kelly, I love her...and she loves me...I love her kids..." Casey's inebriated eyes started to well up with tears as he told him with a sad smile on his face, "Even if they never call me 'Dad', it's better than anything I could ask for."

Severide smiled more genuinely now as he felt his own eyes starting to sting, "I'm really happy for you, Casey."

Casey drunkenly smirked at him and hugged him tight.

* * *

Kelly was aware of a few different things at the same time, one, his neck was killing him, two, his feet were cold, three, somebody had their head pressed against his collarbone. He opened his eyes and realized he was on the floor of his living room, he looked down and saw Casey had fallen asleep against him and was using him as a pillow. He was out cold but still had a small smile on his face.

"Casey," Kelly shook his shoulder, "Casey, wake up. Hey Casey, you alright?"

Matt slowly opened his eyes and looked around, and sat up, "Hey, Kelly." He was obviously hung over, but not severely, but he was far more sober now than he had been last night.

Severide sat up as well, and asked him, "Casey, do you remember what happened last night?"

Casey thought back, and his smile grew as he nodded, "We're engaged. I asked her to marry me, she said yes..."

"How much did you have to drink last night?" Kelly asked.

Casey groaned as he rubbed one side of his head and responded, "After Linda said yes, we had a few drinks to celebrate."

Well that cemented it, any chance this was a drunken misunderstanding or fling just went out the window.

"I know we haven't been together that long," Casey told him, "but I don't care, I love her. It's right this time."

"I'm glad to hear it," Kelly said.

Casey looked at him with bloodshot eyes that were alert, but looked concerned, "You'll be there, won't you? You'll be at the wedding?"

Severide paused, and told him, "Of course I will. But Casey...when _are_ you getting married?"

Casey opened his mouth to answer, then he said in total honesty and confusion, "I don't know."

Kelly found himself laughing.

"Congratulations, buddy," he reached over and hugged him.

Casey pulled back and looked at him, "I meant what I said last night...you got me through everything after Gabby...you wouldn't let me give up. Thanks, Kelly."

"Don't mention it." Severide paused for a moment and laughed. "I just thought of something funny."

"What's that?"

"Herrmann was the first one of us to get married, and he has five kids...now you're getting married and you're already going to have seven kids."

Casey snorted as that realization hit him.

"And maybe they won't call you 'Dad', but give it a couple years and the oldest ones will be having kids, then they'll call you 'Grandpa'."

Casey busted out laughing. "A 40 year old grandpa...I kind of like that." He looked at Kelly and told him somberly, "I'm doing the right thing this time, Severide."

"I'm happy for you," Kelly said.


	3. Chapter 3

8 months earlier-

Kelly stayed with Casey that night at his apartment, and he wound up staying with Casey through the rest of the week as he found another apartment, and helped the Truck captain get moved in, and then wound up staying the first couple nights there too, insisting that he was helping Casey 'break in the place'. It was obvious that Casey was depressed by everything that was going on, and with every passing day he put up less of an effort to hide it. Kelly had taken the liberty of calling Boden and given him a very washed down version of events, summing it up as little more than Casey and Gabby were getting divorced and Casey was taking it particularly hard right now and needed to take the next couple shifts off. Boden having his own sordid history of divorces said he understood and gave Severide the message to tell Casey to take as much time as he needed.

Casey hadn't had any objection to Severide bunking with him that first night at Kelly's apartment, and he didn't seem to have the energy to object now, and Kelly had no idea which way to take that but decided it might be in his best interest to keep an eye on Matt. Casey was still awake every night when Kelly finally went to sleep, awake being a loose term, his eyes were open and he stared blankly at the wall or the ceiling, but he didn't seem to actually _see_ anything. He wouldn't talk about what had happened and Kelly wouldn't push, if Casey _was_ going to talk about it, it'd have to be his decision, and right now he was doing his best to avoid that. A couple times Severide woke up in the night and Casey was gone, and he found him out in the living room curled in a ball on the couch mindlessly watching TV, looking every bit like the living dead.

When Casey moved, he'd mentioned to Severide leaving some of the furniture behind and buying new, and Kelly could guess why, Casey left behind the bed and the couch. In buying new, he'd picked a couch with a hide-a-bed in it, so Kelly forced him to get up long enough to take off the cushions and pull out the bed so they didn't have to sit up watching TV all night, and once again he'd stayed with Casey all night because right now he didn't trust his best friend to be alone. And Kelly _knew_ that when Casey did finally go back on shift, it would not be easy, not merely because of Gabby's absence and the less than quiet firehouse chatter about it all.

And he'd been right. Casey's first time back on shift, things had been tolerable until they responded to a call, a family pinned in their car at the site of a collision. The car was totaled but they'd managed to get the family out with little trouble and it was a huge relief to everyone to find the parents and kids had only sustained minor injuries. Kelly had guessed what was coming, he looked over and saw Casey staring at the father with his kids, and he could practically see Casey's blood boiling in his veins as he turned around and walked off. The same thing happened during a couple other calls they responded to, two parents and three kids trapped in a house fire, then another family in a car crash perilously close to the edge of an overpass. Each time, luckily, they got everybody out okay, but Casey looked like he was about to lose it. Kelly watched all this, and said nothing at the time. Instead he waited until that night when everybody else was in the bunk room asleep, he left his quarters, went over to Casey's, knocked lightly, and stepped in. The room was dark but he could make out Casey's outline sitting up on his bunk.

"You want to talk about what's going on, or are you going to do this every time we respond to a family emergency?" Kelly asked.

Casey didn't move from where he sat, but he responded, distantly, "I'm as bad as Gabby."

"Huh?" Kelly asked as he found Casey's chair and sat on it and turned to face the voice.

"I was okay with the idea of adopting somebody else's kid, for her sake, because _she_ couldn't have kids...because it was too dangerous _for_ her to have kids...as long as I thought I could have my own at any time, it didn't bother me...now..." Severide could hear the tears in Casey's throat. "I just can't stop thinking about it...I'm just as bad as she was."

Kelly got up from the chair and found his way over to the bunk and sat down beside Casey, "No you're not, you're still in shock and haven't come to terms with everything yet. Maybe coming back this soon was a mistake..."

"I need to do _something_ , I'm going crazy sitting around the apartment all day," Casey told him.

"Maybe you need to take some time off, get a change of scenery, go away for a while to take it easy," Kelly said.

"And go where?" Casey scoffed, "Your cabin?"

"Anywhere, anywhere that can take your mind off Gabby and..."

"Anywhere I go, there's going to be women, and there's going to be kids, something I'll never have and something I have nothing to offer," Casey bitterly responded.

"Casey...this would be a lot easier if you didn't look at every single woman as the potential Mrs. Matt Casey...what's wrong with just hooking up with a woman for a good time and see where it goes?"

"That's what _you_ do," Casey told him, "it's not me."

"Would it kill you to try?"

"Have you _seen_ the news? It very well could," Casey responded.

That got a small laugh out of Severide.

Casey sighed and Severide could make out him dropping his head to his chest. "My life's a mess."

"I know..." Kelly reached over and slipped his arm behind Casey's back and pulled him towards him, "I'm sorry that there's nothing I can do to make you feel better...but I promise you it won't always be this bad."

Casey intertwined his fingers and pressed the sides of his hands against his mouth and groaned. Kelly heard a muffled, "I don't think I'll survive till that point."

Kelly slipped his other arm around Casey's chest and held his best friend tighter.

"You want me to stay with you tonight?" he asked.

"No," Casey moaned, "I want my life back the way it was when I didn't know my whole life was ruined."

There was a pause, then Kelly asked again, "You want me to stay with you?"

Casey tried to take in a slow breath but the sob behind it was audibly clear, Kelly felt more than he saw Casey slowly nodding his head in reluctant agreement. Kelly softly patted him on the back and quietly responded, "Okay."

* * *

Kelly had managed to talk Casey into taking the next shift off. The next three days at Casey's apartment he steadily became worse. He slept later each morning, became more withdrawn into himself, spoke to Severide less than before, by the third day he refused to even get out of bed, when the sun came up and poured in through the window, Casey's only response had been to pull the covers up to his hairline to block out the light. Severide had been watching Casey quickly escalating into this downward spiral, and wasn't sure how to handle the situation, but finally decided he was going to fake his way through it and see what happened.

11 o' clock and Casey still hadn't gotten up, but he was awake. Severide entered the room and simply told Matt, "I have done everything that I know how to do to try and help you through this...if you don't get out of that bed in the next ten seconds, I'm coming in there."

That wasn't enough to get a verbal response from Casey but it was enough for him to lift his head off the pillow and raise one eyebrow. Severide mischievously swayed his body from side to side as he inched his way closer to the bed and told Casey, "You better get up, I'm coming in after you and then we'll _really_ see how long you can stay in there."

Casey's eyes widened slightly in curiosity, but otherwise made no indication he was even aware what Severide was doing. Severide managed to keep a straight face as he shifted his weight from side to side and taunted Casey as he got closer and closer to the bed, before finally jumping on the unoccupied side. The sudden weight made the mattress bounce like a waterbed for a few seconds, Casey still just looked at him, scarcely even cracking a smile.

"Okay, Casey, here's the deal," Severide told him. "You want to lay in this bed all day and mope, that's fine, I'm going to stay in this bed with you all day. Tomorrow, if you don't get out of this bed and start resembling a human being again, I'm dragging you out of here and hauling you into the shower, and I can promise you you will _not_ like it."

Casey looked at him and said simply, with almost no emotion whatsoever, "My life feels completely pointless."

Severide sighed.

"I called my mom," Casey told him.

"Why?"

"I told her the news."

"What for?"

"She said it's probably for the best."

" _What_?'

Casey looked at Severide and kept an unwavering tone, but his eyes said everything he couldn't as he explained, "That way the violent genes in our family can't get passed on to another generation."

"I hope you don't make a point of listening to her," Severide said as he pressed his head into Casey's shoulder.

"Maybe she's right," Casey said hopelessly. "My dad was an abusive bastard."

"You're nothing like your dad," Kelly told him.

"How do you know? He died before we even met."

"Because I know _you_ ," Kelly said matter-of-factly.

Casey wasn't convinced. "It all had to start somewhere. His dad was probably a bastard to him and the cycle just repeated, probably the same thing for generations...maybe it _is_ a good thing it'll all die out with me."

Kelly shook his head against Casey's shoulder and told him, "You can't think that way, buddy." Kelly pushed up into a sitting position to get Matt's attention. "Casey, what would've happened if when you met Hallie she'd told you that she couldn't have kids? Would that have changed the way you felt about her?"

Casey was silent for a few seconds, and hesitantly answered, "Maybe...a little..." he thought about it some more and shook his head, "No."

"And which one of you brought up the subject of having kids?"

"I did, of course," Casey added almost resentfully.

"How far into the relationship?"

"...About six months."

"So not right away."

"No...didn't matter, she said she couldn't get pregnant during her residency. That's why we broke up."

"But you got back together."

"Yeah."

"And you were fine with not having kids?"

"That call...the two girls in the car...one lived and one died because they made a split second decision who drove and who was a passenger...I told Hallie we should just start fresh with no expectations."

"Did it work?"

"For a while..."

"Were you happy together?"

Casey nodded.

"Even though you knew kids weren't an option at the time."

"I thought we had more time!" Casey frustratedly exclaimed.

Kelly waited until Casey calmed down and calmly replied, "I know...but were you happy for the time you were together?"

Casey sighed, "Yes."

"Okay, so...what would've happened if you two had gotten married, were together for 20 years, but still never had kids? Would you still feel like your life was pointless?"

"It'd definitely feel like something was missing."

"Missing, yeah, but would you think all your time with Hallie was for nothing?"

Casey shook his head. "Of course not."

"Okay, so now you just know what you're dealing with...you could still have that, Casey, you could still meet a woman and marry her and be together 30 years, what would be so bad about that?"

"But I want _kids_ , Kelly."

"I know...but when you get down to it, Matt...okay...worst case scenario, your DNA line dies out...I know that's hard to accept, but would it matter as long as the Casey _name_ lived on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Say you meet a woman, say you two adopt a kid, he doesn't have your blood, your genes, your family line...but he has your name, so the Casey family tree still carries on...would that be so horrible?"

Casey sighed as he thought about it. "I suppose not."

"Alright, say you two met a girl who was pregnant, who couldn't keep the baby, and was looking for someone to adopt it at birth...you'd be the only father that kid ever knew, would that be a bad thing?"

Casey shook his head. "No."

"I know it's not the same thing as having your own, Casey, but there are still a lot of ways you _could_ have kids...but until that happens, what's wrong with just meeting a woman and just being a couple, instead of planning for the long term range of settling down and raising a family?"

"I don't know...I don't know..."

It was obvious that all of this was more than Casey could deal with right now. Severide reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder and told him, "You've got plenty of time to figure this out, Casey, just take it easy, and _calm down_."

Casey was quiet for a minute, then suddenly, the only thing he said was, "Kelly?"

"Huh?"

Matt turned over and closed the gap between the two of them and clung to Severide and pressed his head against Kelly's shoulder and asked him, "Is this okay?"

"Sure..." Kelly slipped his arm around Casey's back and held him tight, "it's fine."

* * *

True to his word, Kelly stayed in bed with Casey the rest of the day and night. The only time they got up was to make the rounds, use the bathroom, get something to eat, Severide took the food into the bedroom and they propped the pillows against the headboard and ate in bed and watched TV. To be honest it was kind of fun now that Casey was back to making conversation and actually seemed to have some hope for his life again. The next morning, Severide woke up ten minutes before the alarm went off, and before he could grab Casey and jerk him out of the bed by his armpits and make good on his threat from yesterday, Casey threw back the covers and got out of bed. Severide got out, and stood behind Casey and watched as he took a change of clothes out of his drawers, and followed behind Casey as he marched into the bathroom. He stood back and watched as Casey turned on the shower, and while the water was heating, stopped over by the sink, rinsed his mouth and shaved, and shot Kelly a scowling glare as he stripped off his pajamas. He stood in the middle of the room in his underwear and just folded his arms against his chest and glared at Severide until he finally took the hint and left the room.

Kelly went back to the bedroom, made the bed, changed his clothes for the day, took the dishes from last night into the kitchen and alternated between washing them and fixing breakfast for the two of them.

15 minutes later, Casey entered the kitchen dressed for the day, his hair combed, looking like a person again. He even held his arms out at the sides as if awaiting Severide's inspection.

"Well?" he asked.

Kelly looked at him and said only, "We'll see." He dished up their plates and handed Casey one and they sat at the table. There wasn't any real conversation, Severide watched to make sure Casey actually ate his food, he did, and drank most of his coffee. After breakfast was over, Casey got up from the table, as did Severide, who followed Casey as he headed back into the bathroom, and watched Casey as he brushed his teeth.

Matt looked at Severide's reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror and commented over a mouth of toothpaste, "You need a hobby, you know that?"

Coyly, Severide responded, "Watching you _is_ my hobby."

"You're sick," Casey said as he spat out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth.

"You seem to have made a pretty full recovery though," Kelly commented.

Severide followed Casey as he left the bathroom, and kept a couple steps behind Matt all the way to the living room, when Casey turned on his heel and demanded, "Now what?"

Kelly responded by hugging Casey tight and kissing him on the cheek.

"This is Gabby's loss, not yours," Severide told him.

"Huh?" Casey asked as they pulled away from each other.

"She is _never_ going to find anyone who is as good to her as you were," Kelly told him. " _You_ on the other hand could easily find a dozen women better to you than she was."

Just when Casey thought he was finally past all the emotional breakdowns, he felt his eyes stinging again and felt his throat tighten.

"I'd settle for just one," he responded.

"You'll find one when the time's right," Kelly assured him.

* * *

8 months later-

Kelly stood in front of the mirror on his bedroom wall in a daze, thinking back. Casey had left his apartment a little while ago, whether he'd gone back to Linda, or to tell the news to the others at 51 that he was engaged, he had no idea. Everything seemed like a blur since Casey left.

Those days shortly after Gabby left had been hard to get through, but once they were in the past, Kelly hadn't thought about them much. Gradually Casey came out of the shell he'd encased around himself and started interacting with people again, started going out nights, started having fun again, acting and _looking_ alive, started going back out on dates. They weren't back to back and he didn't stay with any woman for too long, Severide had started to think Casey was taking his advice after all. Then he'd stormed in last night in a drunken mess and dropped this bombshell on him. Engaged. Going to be married. It didn't seem possible, it had all happened so fast... _so_ fast that Kelly hadn't even seen it coming. Casey might've been walking on air right now but Kelly felt like the rug had just been yanked out from under his feet. How had this happened so quickly?


End file.
